Shaving Tips - preparing a man's face
by jensen bell
Men...
Shaving has become a boring
chore in our current culture... and in our great-grandfather's time it was a
time-honored tradition. ... no really.
(barrel house piano music playing)
Back in them days, men went into a corner tonsorial shop before work... sometimes everyday. The man had his hair trimmed around the ears, then given a good combing some tonic and a good other good grooming, but most importantly, he was respectfully reclined as a hot wet towel was applied to his beard. And the ritual began.
Upon softening the hair and preparing the skin, a boars
bristle beard brush was
dipped into very hot water... and placed into a soap cup.
No kidding... and this cup had your Great-Grampa's name on it and that cup
was sitting in it's own cubby hole.
Each day he would hear, "Hello Mister Smith... the usual today?" It took just a
few minutes...and cost the price of a cheap lunch, but it was so relaxing. When
the soap was worked into the whisker, the razor strap (strop?) was pulled tight
and the razor was rubbed against it ... to sharpen it. Soon the straight razor,
readied by this professional, approached Great-Grampa's waiting whiskers.
The deft hands of the barber then
artfully took every hair down to below skin level on his face. Another hot
towel... and now... Strong, good-smelling astringent. A big brush with powder...
you walked out smelling like a gentleman. Feeling briskly refreshed. You might
even have some black on your shoes from the local teen-ager with a shoe shine
kit.
When Great-Grampa got heated water in the flat that he and your great
grandmother lived in... or if he got a house... (unlikely before WW2) he might
have wanted to do more at home... so he went to
the general store and bought some new shaving utensils... he wanted to recreate
the experience of that barber's chair. Hot water, foamy brush, hand razor, skin astringent,
and warm wet and dry towels were arranged in the bathroom of that new home.
Great-Grampa took time on himself now and then to look sharp.
That was a long time ago... three generations is at least 60 years ago. I'm
thinking 90 sounds right. Let's picture the dad, George Banks in Disney's "Mary
Poppins".
(Sings "Ah Lordly is the life I lead!")
What do we have today?
(Dramatic synth music plays... with hi-tech sound effects)
We have Gillette. The Gillette effect sucks. It is all about "getting it done with one stroke..." which it never does. It is about hating the chore and needing some magic James Bond-esque LASER designed SUPER widget to get the "unpleasantness" over with immediately.
O Gillette.
Even though there is proof of slow
reduction (and possible elimination) of your horrid practice of animal testing
(**see below), this is still a pretty sleazy company.
Even non-PeTA, meat eating, pet suspecting, pro-hunting, A-holes like me remember
that Gillette admitted to spraying entire cans of their hairspray into the eyes
of a rabbit until it died... "how many cans will it take?"
(I remember kids like that. There were those kids that tortured bugs they caught.
They were psychos.) The Corporation Gillette is said to be legally considered a
"person"... and in my view this person, Mister Gillette, was/is a sick-o, for
there are no scientific benefits to doing that to an animal.
None.
It's just ripping wings off of a butterfly.
Why?
I won't even tell you the stuff about what they used to do to cats and dogs backed by documentation that I BELIEVE (let alone what I do not believe).
I admit to being very pro-regulation... so even if that was all propaganda from "animal rights nut-jobs"...
They got what they needed out of those thousands of animals (3780 in 1991 alone are on the record) and sold us what they wanted to get us all hooked on...
Gillette wants what every US corporation wants (other than to be completely unregulated) and that is to sell you little bits of crap that you get used to and can't live without. They want to addict you to their version of your daily need.
I know what you are thinking... CUT THE ECONOMICS & GET TO THE SHAVING TIPS GUITAR BOY.
Aye-aye
(Cue Morning Music)
You are late for work. You get
up... notice you look haggard with stubble...but....
You're late... shave... um... yeah... run some water... cold, cold, cold, tepid... good enough... you wet your face and spray some green goo from a fearsome Gillette can.. (ok... "Edge" is made by some Gillette copy cat ... shut up! They make one called Multi-gel...ewww) it "turns into white foam..." no really.
It "transforms from one thing into another!! Like some stupid child's toy... or the powered drink mix that changes color with ice!!! YAWN! It Changes from non-helpful green goo to familiar helpful white SHAVING CREAM!
Um...well... some of it doesn't...
it just stays in it's tooth-gel form. Meanwhile, your beard "should soften"...
nope. It doesn't really. Look at your sink! It has that "non-foamed" green
slime... and some foam... ready to slow your drain further. Look at your face...
it is THICK WITH A COATING!... then dig in with your NEW THREE BLADE razor...
and guess what?
IT HURTS!
IT HURTS!
I'M late!
The FOUR BLADES are clogged with green goo and foam...why didn't it get that
patch?
It is sore from the FIVE FREAKIN' BLADES and there is still hair there!!
I'm late.
And my friends, you pay for this. HOW MUCH?
$3 per replacement "cartridge"... why the hell are we shaving with
cartridges??
$4 for "Gel" that increases your plumber bill. WHY?
The SIX BLADE WONDER RAZOR DOESN'T DO CRAP. The GEL clogs your pipes and all
SEVEN BLADES of your razor rendering them more useless than they were before you
used the goo.
Stop this web of SHAVING-LIES!
Dude.
Channel your Great Grandpa... let's go back to the barber.
And if you can't make a habit of that? Unleash your inner barber.
It is time for manly arts to be honored
Yessssssssssssss.
Imagine making shave time special again!
Getting the water HOT.
Getting special wash cloths...manly ones of course.
Getting a pure badger hair brush and a cake of good emollient shaving soap.
Williams Mug Shaving Soap is incredible... and its only $1.40... it lasts
months.
Look up "clubman" on drugstore.com... look at those great old products ... your
great grandfather got yelled at by his wife for "wasting" his extra pennies on
these great comforts... look how cheap they are now!
Moustache wax... $3.54 The price of a 4 apples. Pomade = $3.64 After Shave $5.32
Talc 9oz. $4.21
Most of my friends are FAR TOO HIGH BROW for this stuff. okay... fine...
then you need these amazing products... also famous in your great grandpa's
time.
KIEHL's since 1851!
|WEBSITE|
wow
Their shaving cream is ...
heaven... it has eucalyptus in it... and I can't even feel my Schick Slim Twin's
blades after that.
5 oz. of White Eagle Shave Cream... $14.00
5. oz of Brush Soap with menthol... $16.50
does that work for you? .. .ya damned snob?
no... really it's amazing.
now... because I know you are
FASCINATED...
Here is what I make sure I have in my medicine cabinets, bathroom shelves, etc.
(fanfare sounds)
- Jensen's Current PRODUCTS and GADGETS -
(these change...and I am not sponsored
by any of 'em)-
1 - 10.1. oz bottle of Nioxin hair conditioner...( they call it "Bionutrient
Actives Scalp Therapy")
Whatever. ( I use this instead of shave cream)
It's usually about $16.00. You can
get it for $12 if you search.
It's expensive conditioner for thinning hair... I don't have that... I have the
prematurely graying kind on the sides.
I don't know if it helps with thinning... but I know this.
It is so full of Eucalyptus oil
that it feels like ICE!
And that is a great thing when dragging multiple razor bits across your all to
flashy face. You only need a tiny bit... and the hair shaves off in one stroke
with no pain at all. I have Astringents and Aloe Gel... but often the cooling
from the conditioner is all I need.
You need so little of it ... so it lasts a long time.
Tammy Talbot taught me that trick... thanks Tammy.
I also currently keep
1. Shick Slim Twin Disposable Shaver. (Black Handle) (never use cheap blades...
really... spend the money... life is short)
1. Dickinson's Witch Hazel Astringent - my dad's influence... it kinda smells
funny if you have to be in close proximity to co-workers or clients you may want
something that smells pretty.
alternatives:
Blue Astringent by Kiehl's - 4oz. $9.50 / 8 oz $14.00
or
Sea Breeze regular or ( they make an alcohol free one..it's blue... very nice) -
$4.25
that's for 10 oz
Suave makes one too... for $2.70... what a deal!
1. tube of Lily of the Desert® 99% Aloe Vera Gel.
1. WAHL GROOMSMAN 3240 beard clipper that runs on AA batteries. - since the dawn
of time, WAHL was the "SNAP-ON Tools" of clippers for all Barber students. These
were precision instruments. You have to oil and care for them. Then they sold
their name to Chinese no-name crap. Stores were full of this garbage who's re-chargeable batteries never worked correctly. Well... I bit the bullet and
bought their latest offering. It has a molded handle and soft rubber grips... I
thought "this surface stuff is bamboozling me!"... far from it. This unit is a
real INSTRUMENT. The adjustable hair length "beard regulator" is incredible...
this thing makes side burns and beard length easy.. and for the first time I
"read the instructions"
WOW.
These WAHL guys explained it all... YOU TRIM STRAIGHT DOWN. (more later) This is from their product description: "Self-sharpening high carbon steel blades are precision honed for long life and exact trimming" ... I believe them.
1. Remington R-9250 tri-blade
rotary shaver - These guys have comeback from crappy products and now make some
world class stuff. My dad's first electric shaver was that ice cream sandwich
looking thing with those weird back-n-forth stack of staples blade thing. During
the 80's and 90's their stuff was crap. We all went to the European NORELCO
rotary unit. Today... Remington is BACK! Both dad and I are totally amazed with
these things. Easy sweeping contact... and you get those "hard to shave areas"
done!
1. Remington Model NE-3 "personal trimmer" (if ya know what I'm saying... snif
snif) Dear God... please wait on sending the ear hairs a few more decades.
1. IKEA telescoping rotating double mirror.
1. suction cup magnifying mirror for the shower.
You think I'm crazy don't you?
If you are a girl... you are
laughing at this! I know.
But guys... ???
WE know... we have our gadgets... we have our rituals... we have our pleasures.
We LOOK SHARP.
Jensen Bell's Personal Shaving Ritual.
who the f*ck cares?
Make time to shave before my day... get up earlier ...whatever.
Make sure everything I need is all there.
Start Shower... nice and hot... close the door to keep the steam.
Wash normally and shampoo face and beard... leave shampoo on whilst bathing
ritual continues.
Then you take the removable shower head and defog the mirror... putting a little
soap on it helps too.
Just squeeze out a breath - mint sized drop of NIOXIN CONDITIONER... rub into
beard.
I love to feel the icy coldness... then I recommend that you shave DOWNWARD...
or WITH THE GRAIN... of the hair follicle. again: shave the in the direction the
hair grows. Why? Because shaving bumps suck. Shaving against the grain may seem
to make things really smooth... but the hair comes back fighting your skin. This
leads to bumps... and any one with tight curly hair gets them all the time and can tell you that these things really
SUCK. We who have straighter hair risk these little pain pustules every time we
"shave up!"
Do your cheeks, your jaw, around your mouth, under your nose (if you can stand
it)... and get your neck... especially under the ear area.
Any areas that "still hurt" when you shave them are areas that where you grow
your nerves closer to the skin.
These are your special sensitive spots. I have those near above my lip and on
certain parts of my neck... so what do I do?
Withdraw THE REMINGTON ROTARY from it's protective sheath!
I'll get to that later.... but first make sure everything is shaved in that
shower by rubbing fingers against the grain of your beard to find areas that are
rougher than normal. I figure that the hairs there grow in a different
direction... so I change directions a bit... (but NEVER UP!...).
I will of course, finish other bathing duties and dry off...
(see "GOOD HAIR" for more info)
Enjoy that "Q-tip wet ear joy" (Ask Will Smith).
Next, I gotta pull out the electric
razor for "those spots"...that just takes a second...if it is the end of the
week...
That Wahl trimmer is gonna get some use... usually there isn't time for that...
but let's pretend that there is... Take your Wahl Groomsman or similar personal
beard groomer... swipe down with the hair length set on that little plastic
thing. Then take the plastic thing off and shape the side burns, the jazz
beard... the goatee... the "Depp"...
but on those days you have no time... or no facial hair...
Take out only the product that you need based on the condition of your skin...
if you are feeling any razor burn... do what I do. Use Aloe Vera Gel... at first
your face will turn red. Soon it will return to normal... but it will feel so
clean.
What a great thing you did for yourself!
You are the man.
You took time for yourself.
You got your mojo workin... you are ready to enter the fray and "have all the
answers."
And somewhere in the ether, somewhere in the heavens, your Great-Grampa is looking down on you from the clouds, holding his
name-cup, nodding, with a shiny smooth clean shaven face.
** on Gillette
"The Gillette Company has
made considerable progress in reducing the use of animals in testing of
over-the-counter drugs, has used no animals to test cosmetic ingredients or
products for the past two years, and has been active in seeking alternatives to
animal tests. The company reports a 90 percent reduction in the use of animals
in product safety testing since 1986. That year, 3780 animals were used; in
1991, numbers dropped to 787 and reached 388 in 1995"
- Norma Bennett Woolf (2003)