coffee_tips

A Goat? Really? Coffee was discovered by an Ethiopian Goat? That sounds like a typically weird food origin attributable to this human culture to be sure. The legend says that a lonely goatherd discovered coffee from the frisky behavior of his goats after they ingested raw red coffee beans.
Sure. Why not? We are always looking at nature and "getting ideas."

My Brit Friends laugh at our coffee. They drink tea after all... and are very particular how they make it.
My European friends drink coffee... but it's nothing like ours. I tell them, "come to my house and let me make you
a cup of MY coffee..."

But alas... until you know what it is like to drink Freshly roasted, freshly ground Colombian Arabica beans in clean clear water heated to a perfect 200 degrees F. in the perfect ratio to the spoons of coffee and poured over those beans through a cone shaped filter of brown paper... you don't know heaven.

I came to coffee drinking very late.

It made dad's breath stink... stained his teeth. It tasted weird and made it hard to sleep at night.
What was the big deal?

I had coffee more often in Europe during tours... but it was just liquid rocket fuel. Full of sugar and
thick as ink... as chocolate milk. I couldn't make it a habit. I had a girlfriend who had to have those coffee-milk-sugar drinks that have just taken over the world lately. I am less and less inclined to drink dairy. It just doesn't feel good in
my body. I can't sing after I drink it. I'm done with cow's milk... unless it coffee ice cream... more on that later.

I think I'm very much my father's son and his passion for perfect coffee was gonna catch me sooner or later.

In my family coffee doesn't need anything but water and beans to be great. If the coffee you drink like that seems bitter,
well you are a victim of the low standard of coffee storage and preparation that surrounds us like so many angry Ethiopian goats. Or you maybe from the ancient past.

You have to rent a Hitchcock movie tonight called "Spellbound." It's a Sigmund Freud style thriller in which psychologist Ingrid Bergman tries to solve a murder by unlocking the clues hidden in the mind of amnesiac suspect Gregory Peck. But you are not going to see it for the brilliant acting, the intriguing story, captivating dream sequence by Surrealist icon Salvador Dali, (yes him!) nor the haunting Theremin score by Mikolos Roza. Nooooo.

You are going to see it for the COFFEE!!!!

The barbarism of early coffee ... O! the Humanity!

Imagine these people... taking stale old beans out of the larder in a wrinkled brown bag. Putting it in a wooden jewelry box that has a HUGE black handle on the top. At the bottom of this thing is a little wooden drawer. What the hell?

Our ancestors took the coffee out of there and stuck it in an old pan. with sugar blended into it. (I am SURE IT WAS SORELY NEEDED) then they pour cold well water into the pan up to a line and BOIL the WHOLE THING. GADS! In "Spellbound," the solution to bitterness was "an egg"... now I'm still not sure if they meant a "wet egg shell"
That is what my dad says... "it soaked up the grounds and took bitterness out..."

Hmmm.

Poor, sad bastards.

For a real look at Man's inhumanity to Bean... watch the scene in the recent classic, "Sea Biscuit" where Chris Cooper offers Jeff Bridges some scary looking coffee out of an old beat to crap pot. "It's pretty bad" he says... I'll bet.

Well... I am here to help share my extensive research in the preparation of the worlds richest beverage with you to insure near-perfection every time.

You can cut out the little form below and tape it to your kitchen cabinet until you have mastered this art. It is like learning to drive. You sorta have to talk yourself through the steps for weeks before they become habit.

Here then: Jensen Bell's Modern Coffee tips.

Machine: Must use cone type filters (melita brown)... none of this "Mr. Coffee" basket crap.
Must have a glass carafe. The warmer must have an automatic shut off. Thermal Carafes are irrelevant.
Coffee must be drunk right when it is made. It has to taste good unsweetened... adding sweetener should not be to
"fix the flavor"... or "kill the bitterness"... the machine you select must produce coffee that tastes good from the start.
Coffee presses seem to leave the beans in for too long... you have to be speedy and transfer it to a new container..and who wants to hassle with that?
Pick a machine that pours 200 degree water over the grinds and lets it fall into a glass container.
I am currently using the Modern looking KRUPS. If you want to do it manually... good for you! Boil your water take it off the heat and count to ten slowly then
pour the water into the cone filter in a glass carafe.

Beans: There are two types. Arabica beans and the lesser "Robusta" beans. Don't let Robusta touch your tongue ever again...
Robusta = Ro-BITTER-a... got it? Don't be impressed with "perfect blends of beans for rich flavor"... that translates to:
"you are an idiot... we know this... we blend cheap beans with good ones to save us money... while we sell you coffee mate
non-dairy creamer and flash-powder" Resist the Robusta. For now you are going to go to the best shops and stores and find the
big displays with fresh beans in them... whole. you are going to get "Colombian" - That's it. If you are financially challenged.
Buy a bit of the good bean at the shop and then go to Trader Joe's and get their big canister of "Colombian whole bean" which is
really cheap... a bit greasy... and BLEND THOSE. That is as much blending as you are allowed to do.

Grinder/Mill: With blades it is consistency that you must to achieve. The danger to your coffee and to your machine comes from grounds that vary from thick heavy pieces to powder in the same grind. There are grinders that really have this flaw. But if you are careful and shake your grinder to mix the beans up as you "pulse" them to a medium grind you should be fine with a $19 Wal-Mart grinder... (Wait...no don't support Wal-Mart.)

I use a coffee mill. It has a cup for the beans and a cup to catch the grinds. The blades run in a series of wheels. Sounds great huh? ... well even set to "coarse" you get some fine
coffee-powder that sticks to the walls of the cup. To keep the powder from screwing up the whole brew...I pour the grounds out carefully to avoid that...
but it is extra hassle. Use a good quality grinder and try for even looking grounds. You can do this... take the time this month to learn how... and soon you will do it
automatically even in a drunken stupor.

Water: This is very important of course. But the good news is that the same rules for drinking water apply to coffee. Still water just lacks mojo. going to the store to buy a gallon of water in a plastic jug
or having a big 5 gallon plastic monster delivered is less valuable to a human than the "flowing water" even from a tap. Tap water, coming out as cold as possible for higher oxygen content, can be poured into a jug and left to stand long enough for the chlorine
chemicals and "odors" to evaporate. That water really isn't bad. (IF you have crappy pipes in your place forget it!)
It's "free" too. But the very best is going to the store... taking out the change... and filling a clean bottle with the stuff that comes out of those "pure water" machines.
You get flowing water... filtered of minerals and chemicals. Perfect. We all need to be drinking that. Filtered water, as cold as possible, at home is good too. Be sure to change your filters. Yum... I am getting excited for you already.
Your coffee is gonna RULE!

As stated... you can brew with a good machine using conical filters... or go with the old fashioned (old "Fashioned" what a weird phrase... no wonder we changed it to "skool") glass coffee decanter. Water "just off the boil" makes the beans come alive... so if you are gonna use a stove top as soon as the kettle moans, take it off of the heat for almost 15 seconds... i count to ten slowly.... and pour it slowly and evenly over those beans. Concentrate. Don't multi task. Also make SURE you have your water measured out right! Improper proportions just means throwing it all away:

Measuring: Listen you numbskull... you gotta use your weakened math skills to DO THIS RIGHT! do you have measuring spoons? no? DAMMIT! get them. If you have a "scoop" from an old can of crappy coffee that will do to!
Normally, you are gonna use a "TABLESPOON" measure. You are gonna start with 1 cup of water to 1 table spoon (or "scoop") of grounds. Believe it or not... a "heaping" scoop of whole beans yields about that much in grounds.
If it is too weak... add another 3/4 of a scoop of whole beans in. If, when making 3 cups, (a little more than a standard Jensen Bell mug can hold) and it is too strong for you... add an extra 1/2 cup of water.
I notice that the more coffee you make at once the better that first cup tastes... so have friends in for coffee.
Perfect your blend by tasting the UNSWEETENED pure coffee that you have made first. When the hot plain coffee tastes rich and somewhat sweet to your palate... you have done it!

Condiments & Additions: For sweetener the first choice is, of course, pure cane sugar. start with one to two cubes... (yes cubes... they rock) otherwise you will need to use more measuring spoons... what a hassle.
for those of us with sensitivity to carbohydrate ... that is most Americans over 25 these days... artificial sweeteners are a fact of life. I am gonna be bold. I am gonna say that Equal... or Aspartame, is a corporate
conspiracy. I do not believe all the emails we used to get about it... that it turned your blood into formaldehyde...or whatever it said. Nope. Don't buy it. But ... I know for a fact that it "makes your brain think that it
is hydrating" when... as you must know by now, coffee is a diuretic... that is to say it chases water out of your system. Thirst will make you crave more Aspartame and the cycle worsens. Avoid that stuff. Old Skool pink sweetener has it's uses
but it can be bitter in coffee. Let's go with Splenda® for now. If my recommendations change I will put it in red on this section of the page. My second choice will be a natural organic product called "Stevia"... look either of these up in Google and you should
find a good source near you... or by mail.

For "whiteners".... the powdered milk substitutes have their uses... and if you find one you love... that's cool. Again, if the coffee tastes good with nothing in it, what ever you add to it will not have the impossible job of "fixing it"...
I guess milk is still the best. Fresh Cold whole milk... or 2%... is a great thing. And for those of us who have to let milk go in our lives... how about experimenting with soy or rice alternatives. I know they are not "milk"... and they have a lot of carbs...
but they are "clean" sources of comforting creaminess. I would put powdered creamer on the "only if I have to" list. That being said... when I serve guests ... that is all I have to offer them in that I cant keep perishable beverages that I myself never drink.

Learn to enjoy unsweetened coffee. Once you develop a taste for it you won't believe how happy you are with your coffee.
Warning... you will hate the idea of coffee anywhere but at your house... that is a major downside. Perhaps you can learn to teach your Starbucks® Barista® the way you like it?

One thing is for sure... the comfort and joy... the pure satisfaction of life that comes from this cup of confidence makes it worth saving for a "laser tooth whitening treatment" in a decade.

2 Jensen Bell Mugs full of Perfect American Style Coffee

5 scoops of whole beans
Grind or mill evenly
6 standard cups (48 oz) of cold flowing filtered water
Begin to boil or place in machine
Scoop grinds into Melitta Style Cone filter in natural brown
Avoid fine powdered coffee in the grinder.
Set machine to drip coffee into an IMMACULATELY CLEANED Glass Coffee Decanter
or Boil water... count to 10 slowly and then pour evenly over beans.
Add condiments if necessary (in small amounts)
Drink immediately to avoid bitterness .

Ralph's store brand... about $7 a pound
Starbucks Colombian Supremo about $12 a pound...

both equally good... Starbucks tastes "darker"... but it's a toss up... might as well buy the cheaper one?

Whole Foods Market makes an organic bean roasted in-store - more on that in subsequent amendments.

Jensen's Best Coffee ice cream

former winner: Haagen Dasz - "coffee"
Current favorite: Ben and Jerry's "just coffee"
Runner up: McConnell's "Coffee Bean"

Coffee products that ought to come back...

Knudsen's Coffee Yogurt (in a wax paper cup!)

Coffee products that are surprisingly good...

Continental "coffee at the bottom" yogurt.

Get Jensen's awesome coffee Mugs: